


Vengeance is a Soviet Jellied Fish

by AliceMarylin1999



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Little Shit (Good Omens), Crack, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Established Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Soft Crowley (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22509739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceMarylin1999/pseuds/AliceMarylin1999
Summary: Gabriel needs Aziraphale's help. He can do nothing about it. He can't complain. He can't turn to anyone else.Aziraphale makes sure his ex-boss will suffer every minute they spend together.And Crowley finds himself falling in love with his bastard angel even harder.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 60





	1. GABRIEL I

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to user redundant_angel for helping me conceptualize this idea!

Archangel Gabriel knocked on a fancy wooden door.

It was the most humiliating thing he had ever done.

“Wait a minute!”, Aziraphale’s voice called out. Gabriel’s guts tied in a knot. Oh, how he hated every moment of it…

The door opened. Aziraphale was wearing a soft blue jumper and tartan slacks. He looked more relaxed then he used to when he was still a practicing angel – in fact, he looked utterly human, for Gabriel’s taste.

“Oh, Gabriel, dear friend!”, Aziraphale exclaimed a bit theatrically. He was smiling with the softest, most delightful smile. Whatever the reason behind that smile, it was NOT good.

“May I come in?”, Gabriel asked humbly.

“Of course, of course!”, Aziraphale went on with enthusiasm, gesturing to invite Gabriel in. “Honey! Sweetheart!”, he cried. “We have guests!”

Gabriel was taking off his coat when he saw the “sweetheart” approaching from the kitchen. So, the rumors were true. Aziraphale, on top of betraying Heaven, had indeed pursued an unnatural relationship with demon Crowley.

The demon didn’t look particular demonic, though. He had his hair in a messy half-updo, he was wearing plain black trousers and a shirt and a cooking apron on top of it. By the mess on the apron, rolled sleeves and patches of flour on a demon’s face, he could tell that he had been cooking – or, rather, baking – when Gabriel interrupted their bliss.

“The fuck…”, muttered Crowley, and looked at Aziraphale in astonishment, then turned to Gabriel. “What are YOU doing here?”

“I came in peace”, Gabriel started, without a hint of his usual confidence. “Is there a chance we could speak?”

“No way”, said the demon, but Aziraphale said “Absolutely!” at the same time, and more loudly.

“I would kindly invite you to our kitchen”, Aziraphale murmured musingly and gestured towards the hallway that led to it.

The kitchen reminded Gabriel of a bookshop Aziraphale used to own in London. It was a messy room, filled with heat from the stove. The table was covered with a tartan tablecloth and a lot of different objects – probably, items of food and beverages. We could recognize biscuits, sweets, and marmalade.

“Crowley, my sweet little ginger muffin, would you be so kind as to put the kettle on?”, Aziraphale said in a singing voice. The demon’s eyes rounded in shock, but he made no noise and walked to the stove.

“So”, Gabriel started. “The thing is, there were some… Management adjusting in Heaven, so to speak. I was sort of lowered in rank for a while”

“Oh, dear!”, Aziraphale gasped in something that was supposed to be a shock, apparently, but sounded more like amusement, and leaned across the table. “Does this mean you’re not an archangel anymore?!”

“Of course not!”, Gabriel shook his head in terror. “Of course, I am, and always will be an archangel. The thing is, I was informed by Metatron that I need to live on Earth for a while and learn the human ways of living. As I was told, I was not effective enough while dealing with celestial agents on Earth and human beings themselves”

Aziraphale covered his mouth with his hand. For some reason, the gesture seemed ingenuine to Gabriel.

“So, I decided to approach the only person I know, who”, Gabriel went on “has a decent experience on living among humans and mixing with them”

Meanwhile, the demon put a cup of tea in front of Gabriel and sat on the chair close to Aziraphale, providing him with his own cup. His glance was gloomy and wary.

“As a matter of fact, you have TWO entities who are experts on terrestrial living”, Aziraphale giggled, “who are entirely at your disposal and are willing to help our dear friend!”

The demon, who seemed to be containing plenty of emotions, opened his mouth to finally say something, but Aziraphale cut him off by turning his head forcefully and pressing his mouth against demon’s. What he did next looked a little more than bizarre to Gabriel, to say the least. As he put his hand on the back of the demon’s neck, he tilted his head and did something strange with his tongue – did he put it in demon’s mouth?! – and started moaning rather loudly. Gabriel didn’t know whether he was supposed to watch this, or turn away, but, luckily, Aziraphale soon pulled away with a wet sucking sound.

“Excuse me”, Aziraphale said, panting, his lips wet and red. “My husband and I are still not used to…”

The demon, whose face was virtually as red as his hair, stopped Aziraphale by putting a hand on his arm.

“Angel”, he said in a low voice. “Can I speak with you for a minute?”

Aziraphale stood up from the chair with a polite smile.

“Excuse us of a minute, will you, Gabriel?” he said. “Please, help yourself to biscuits and tea. My…”, he hesitated “BAE gets a little bit anxious in the presence of other people, you surely can forgive us both for our lack of hospitality. We will be back in a moment”

They both left the kitchen, leaving Gabriel alone, in a rather disturbed and ragged state.


	2. CROWLEY I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “For six thousand years, long and agonizing six thousand years, I had to endure Gabriel and his pompous, insufferable, Heaven-needs-your-best-effort righteous ass”, Aziraphale whispered through his teeth. “I had to hide from him, I had to double-check every step, I was wet with cold sweat each time I saw men even slightly resembling him. He mocked my passions, he tried to force me to stop eating, he desired to destroy this world, and on top of that, he said I should shut my stupid mouth and die. If you think I will miss my only chance to make his life as miserable as it can possibly be, then, my dear and sweet Crowley…”  
> “Angel”, Crowley interrupted him, gazing in awe in Aziraphale’s bright blue eyes. “I never wanted to fuck you against the wall as badly as I do now”

“BAE??!!! Ginger muffin?! THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!!!”, Crowley hissed in a furious whisper.

“Tss”, Aziraphale snapped with irritation. “He mustn’t hear us!”

“Alright, you tell me what the ever-loving FUCK is going on right fucking now!”, Crowley whispered more quietly, his eyes burning.

“Don’t you get it, Crowley?”, Aziraphale said, pressing his lips. “Come on, you can do better than that, your head is good for more than wearing those lovely curls. He NEEDS us! He depends on us! I had this feeling ever since I saw him at our front door, I could see it in his eyes and I know it now, for sure. Gabriel is entirely at our mercy!”

“And that explains “muffing” and “sweetheart” and sucking my face off exactly HOW?”

“Oh, Crowley”, Aziraphale sighed in desperation, tilting his head back. “Do I need to spell it out for you?”

“Wait”, Crowley said, his lips curling into a smile. “Wait, wait, wait. You’re saying you did all that cringe-worthy obscenity just to piss Gabriel off?”

Aziraphale’s face turned deadly serious.

“For six thousand years, long and agonizing six thousand years, I had to endure Gabriel and his pompous, insufferable, Heaven-needs-your-best-effort righteous ass”, Aziraphale whispered through his teeth. “I had to hide from him, I had to double-check every step, I was wet with cold sweat each time I saw men even slightly resembling him. He mocked my passions, he tried to force me to stop eating, he desired to destroy this world, and on top of that, he said I should shut my stupid mouth and die. If you think I will miss my only chance to make his life as miserable as it can possibly be, then, my dear and sweet Crowley…”

“Angel”, Crowley interrupted him, gazing in awe in Aziraphale’s bright blue eyes. “I never wanted to fuck you against the wall as badly as I do now”

Aziraphale’s expression transformed from fury to self-assuredness.

“Later, dear”, he said more sweetly. “We need to grab this opportunity with both hands. With four hands, actually”

“I’m your man”, Crowley nodded with a wicked smile. Aziraphale headed back to the kitchen, but Crowley grabbed his arm and stopped him. “One more thing”

Aziraphale raised his eyebrow.

“What about the “husband” part? We never even talked about marriage”, Crowley demanded.

“We will”, Aziraphale smiled softly. “After we’re done with Gabriel”.


	3. AZIRAPHALE – I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If that would make the archangel miserable, Aziraphale was willing to eat a bowl of living worms and ask for a second one.

Aziraphale was sitting on Crowley’s lap, his arm around his neck, fingers gently brushing through the demon’s ginger locks. The expression of discomfort on Gabriel’s face was priceless.

“Why aren’t you drinking your tea?”, Aziraphale asked innocently. “Don’t you like it?”

Gabriel was visibly confused.   
“I’m not quite used to…”, he started.

“Sullying your celestial temple with the gross matter?”, he asked seriously, just to observe Gabriel’s reaction. The archangel looked rather embarrassed. Then Aziraphale laughed. “I’m only joking, my dear friend. Surely, you’ll get used to it. I think we should start introducing you to human culture by first teaching you about the importance of meals”

“Yeah”, Crowley nodded enthusiastically. “Humans are all about meals. Consuming food is a cornerstone of human culture”

“Well, Gabriel must know that my dear demon”, Aziraphale giggled. “Why are you lecturing archangel Gabriel, who announced the coming of Jesus Christ to Virgin Mary, on the importance of food and sharing of trapeze? You have some nerve, sweetie”

“Yes”, Gabriel admitted reluctantly. “When God came to Earth in a body of Jesus Christ, bread and wine became a powerful symbol for His sacrifice”

“See?”, Aziraphale smiled. “How could you even think that Gabriel would be snobbish when it comes to such a sacred thing as food!”

Gabriel smiled uncomfortably. Good, Aziraphale thought.

“I think we should make a proper dinner tonight, shall we, dear?”, Aziraphale asked.

“Absolutely”, Crowley nodded. “I will make my chef’s special dish. Russian jellied fish!”

Aziraphale had a mixed feeling of joy, giggles, and disgust. He remembered very well about the infamous Soviet meal – the most obnoxious thing the demon had ever tried in his many years spent in USSR. The downside of feeding Gabriel this monstrosity would be that Aziraphale himself would have to endure it. But, then again, if that would make the archangel miserable, Aziraphale was willing to eat a bowl of living worms and ask for a second one.

“Oh, dear”, Aziraphale said in delight and lowered down to place a wet kiss on Crowley’s lips. “You are such a generous cook! I think we have some fish in a freezer, right?”

“Yes, babe”, Crowley said with a satisfied grin. Gabriel seemed to be growing distressed by the entire scene.

It was worth all the “babes” in the world.

Aziraphale rose from Crowley’s lap.

“I will show you your bedroom, Gabriel”, he started “before we find you your own place. And meanwhile, Crowley will see to a dinner”

Gabriel managed a miserable smile. Aziraphale needed to smash the last nail in that coffin. He grabbed Crowley, who already stood up too, by the collar, and gave him a proper French kiss. Oh, Aziraphale never experienced such a bliss – to kiss his beloved demon with love and passion and to make Gabriel suffer at the same time, it felt so wonderful he made sure he did it long enough to get on his ex-boss’ nerves.

“Right”, he said, finally pulling away. “We shall go. Be a good demon, Crowley”


	4. CROWLEY II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Aziraphale want to introduce new players to the game.

“Yes, sergeant. Yes. Two hundred pounds upfront, and one hundred after. You can choose any bottle from my collection, too. Of course, he will be here, he lives here! He’s my hu… Boyfriend. Oh, you better make your mind – what is more important to you, your homophobia or three hundred pounds? I thought so. I will be expecting you”

Crowley hung up.

“Shadwell is game”, he said with satisfaction. “I specifically told him to be more repulsive than he usually is. I don’t know if it’s even possible, but we shall see”

“Good”, Aziraphale nodded. “I’ll bring my own human support. Luckily, she doesn’t require money. She’s all about making the likes of Gabriel miserable herself”


	5. GABRIEL II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Gabriel, please, help yourself to the fish”, the demon insisted with a smile. His smile, like everything about him, was serpentine. He didn’t trust him, but he had no choice.

It was the first official meal in Gabriel’s entire existence. To make the introduction to human culture smoother, Aziraphale and the demon even invited two mortals to the table – a strangely looking older man in baggy clothes and a young woman with long black hair and round spectacles.

“Remember, Gabriel, you need to understand the concept of “small talk” – the discussions of shallow matters that provide the initial connection, so crucial to maintaining the contact”, Aziraphale instructed him.

So, he waited for others to speak.

“Gabriel, please, help yourself to the fish”, the demon insisted with a smile. His smile, like everything about him, was serpentine. He didn’t trust him, but he had no choice.

Gabriel put some of the slimy substance to his plate. He couldn’t make himself try it – it looked like something that grew on Hastur’s face.

“Crowley, a ray of sunshine, give me a bite of your delicious fish, please?”, Aziraphale murmured, looking at the demon across the table. Whatever was going on between the two, they were clearly unable to contain it for five minutes straight – Gabriel constantly felt the rubbing of their feet against one another under the table.

“Sure, angelo mio”, the demon nodded, and put some of the, ehm, “fish” on the fork and put it in Aziraphale’s mouth, leaning all over the table.

Aziraphale closed his eyes and let out an ecstatic moan.

“Mmm!”, he exhaled. “You wily serpent, Crowley! This is almost as good as your… serpentine…”

“Don’t call Mr. Crowley a serpent!”, a gray-haired man suddenly barked. “He’s a good, decent, handsome man. I don’t know what you mean by all that nonsense, but snakes are no good, and Mr. Crowley…”

“What’s wrong with snakes?”, the demon asked, looking a bit offended.

“I just read it somewhere”, an old man went on. “That snakes have private parts of both males and females. That’s why when you don’t trust someone, you call them a snake”

“Why is that?”, the young woman wondered. For some reason, Gabriel noted, she wasn’t eating the grey substance called “jellied fish”.

“How can you trust someone who can literally go fuck themselves?”, an old man said with such sincerity, Gabriel had to wonder if it was true.

“Just eat your dinner, sergeant, please?”, the demon said with irritation.

Gabriel observed how the man consumed the dish. His face turned to a grimace of sheer horror and disgust as soon as his mouth closed. He shallowed with visible effort.

“If that what communists ate, no wonder they lost the Cold War”, the man murmured.

“Hell won the Cold War”, the demon answered grimly. “At least the Soviets won the Second World War”

“Are you a communist, Mr. Crowley?”, the man asked with displeasure written all over his face.

“Gentlemen, we are supposed to show Gabriel the virtues of small talk!”, Aziraphale exclaimed. “And what you do here is not helping at all. Anathema”, he said with a smile, turning to the young woman. “How is your sex life?”

Aziraphale looked at Gabriel with a smile. So, that what the small talk was about, he thought.

“Nice, thank you”, the woman said with a pleased smile. “That Japanese rope you gave Newt and I for our anniversary really sparked things up”

“What have I told you, my scoundrel?”, Aziraphale said to the demon with some sort of a wink. Then turned to the young lady. “My darling Crowley is an expert on this sort of thing. He can tie you up like a Christmas gift so you won’t be able to even twitch a muscle. But you WILL scream! If you ever need any help, Crowley and I are more than pleased to provide it”

The old man was growing more and more gloomy when as he was listening to that conversation. He was drinking the third glass of something of light brown color.

“Gabriel, why don’t you eat?”, Aziraphale asked him with a smile. “It is very impolite to refuse the food that the homeowner made for you”

Gabriel managed a forced smile. It seemed he didn’t have much choice, after all. He had never tried any food before that.

He looked at his plate. The grey-brown jellied… thing was wiggling as he touched it with his fork. He got a bit of it on the fork and brought it to his mouth.

If the food was supposed to feel like that, he had very little understanding as to why Aziraphale would volunteer to such a thing. It made even less sense than him hanging out with a demon. Gabriel’s tongue started feeling itchy, greasy, slimy. The sensations that the substance brought to him were similar to the smell of burning sulfur. Gabriel had been to Hell’s head office once or twice. The feeling of this food inside his tongue reminded him of all those filthy, unwashed demons he saw there. With a great effort, he swallowed.

“See?”, Aziraphale said with a shiny smile. “It really IS splendid! As soon as we finish dinner, we are about to show you our home theater. Anathema kindly brought the DVD of an amazing movie everyone who lives on Earth has to see at least once. What is the name of the movie, dear?”

“The Room”, Anathema said with a smile.

Gabriel felt as if something was ripping his throat from inside. It was then when he heard the loud smacking sound.

The old man’s head fell helplessly into his plate.


End file.
